#RealTalk, No Pictures

Sometimes I ask myself why am I beauty blogging? Or even just simply blogging at all. I mean, I obviously don’t have the time. My photo shoots are done in between Sanji’s naps or while I’m preparing for work (which is honestly my only me time). The content here are written whilst on my 30-minute commute to work. None of these are thought out, conceptualized — whatever you call it in blogging terms.

Sometimes I wonder if I even have the capability of being a good mother. When Sanji gets on his tantrum mode (which happens a lot nowadays AND AT NIGHT), I frankly can’t help but scream because a) I don’t know how to pacify him and b) my attempts at appeasing him seem to only trigger more of his tantrums. I wonder if I’m bad for him. Because I know I’m a bad person. I am impatient and selfish and rude.

I doubt myself a lot nowadays. I’m neither where I want to be nor where I need to be. So I’m both unhappy and useless. Maybe that’s why I’m beauty blogging? Because I don’t need to think it out, like REALLY think it out. I slap on my face in the morning and I talk about how I slapped it on. Period.

Maybe I doubt myself a lot because I don’t receive some validation for what I do. I mean, I don’t think I receive validation. And I feel guilty for saying that out loud because I know Mario doesn’t see me as a failure. But see, I think love clouds his judgement. I’m nothing special.

I’m nothing special.

Maybe all I really need is to accept this. We’re all built to think that we’re something else — that the ultimate goal is to stand out. But maybe we’re wrong? Maybe the ultimate goal is to blend in, find an anchor and sway with the crowd. Maybe this is why so many people are desperate because in a planet with this much inhabitants, how can one tiny being stand out, really.

So maybe what I REALLY have to do is love the normalcy, the tiny in-betweens, the alwayses. Maybe we don’t really have to be the best parent or sister or lover. Maybe we don’t always have to think out everything. Maybe we don’t always have to be good.

Maybe I can just be my own, very real mediocre me.

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8 thoughts on “#RealTalk, No Pictures

  1. I think at some point in our lives, we really want to stand out — to be the best, to find validation on whatever we’re doing. But I guess that’s not the point eh. It’s not about being “the best” but more on doing your best. Validation, that’ll come next. Don’t bring yourself down too much. But I think you have something unique in you, something that you haven’t figured out yet. I also am lost in so many ways, but I guess one way of keeping myself to continue dreaming is to think of what makes me happy, and then starting from there, I decided to map out other things. πŸ™‚

    I don’t mean to sound preachy, sorry!!! If you need someone to talk to about these things, I’m more than happy to listen. Tara coffee sometime! :p

    I hope you’re feeling okay now, or if not, I hope you’d feel better about things soon. πŸ™‚

    • It’s totally okay and I get your point! Some days (or weeks) just really get to me. I guess I feel tired, and my biggest critic is myself. I would LOVE to have coffee with you!

      Thank you for the encouraging words. I kind of managed to dig myself up from the pithole. πŸ™‚

  2. I know what you mean. I feel like a bad wife on my end due to my own problems, but the thing that has to be remembered is that don’t put yourself down. That you are worth something, and that you have something special inside of you. We all do, it’s just about finding it. And besides, I believe no doubt, you’re a good mother πŸ˜€

    • Thank for the kind words! πŸ™‚ Motherhood is such a tricky phase in my life because I feel elated but overwhelmed at the same time. :))

  3. “Maybe we don’t always have to think out everything. Maybe we don’t always have to be go” This. I have a bad habit of overthinking and it just makes me upset. I need to stop doing it.

    I hope you feel better now Pao.

  4. Overthinking will be the death of most of us. I tend to overthink a lot too and it drives me absolutely crazy!

    And guurl, you are special. Maybe not in the “normal” way but we’re all special. You don’t have to be ~femouz or a celebrity to be special but so long as you’re affecting someone in a positive way, then you are special. Plus you’re a mother. If you ask me, that makes you a very special person πŸ™‚

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